continued....of the book

'God,' I whispered, half hoping that he wouldnt hear me, ' I don't want to play games with you. If I make this commitment and give myself to you one hundred percent, I need you to keep your half of the bargain. I need you to be there for me.' I paused, then took a step of faith. 'Okay, God, I'm yours.'

Unexpectedly, at that moment I experienced a searing pain. My heart felt as though it had been ripped from my body. I lay there, unable to move. Then I sensed a hand resting on my chest. Slowly the piercing pain transformed into a comforting warmth.

I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Will everything be different now? Should I have been blinded by a dazzling light? Or heard the Hallelujah chorus? Or seen the angels partying in heaven, celebrating my repentance? I dont know. All I know is that tears welled up in my eyes and tickled down my temples, soaking my pillow. One question continually repeated itself in my mind:
What do I do now? I really did not have a clue.

By turning myself over to God, I had turned my back on all that I had known from my children--my identity, my emotions, and my sense of purpose. Until now, my understanding of self, career, and friends had hinged on the pivotal fact that I was gay.

Now I had relinquished lesbianism--surrendered all that I had known-to follow God. I could not see him nor touch him. I barely knew anything about him. Am I out of my mind? It seemed so crazy, but I knew it was right.
But then, if it was so right, why did I feel as though I was walking out of a brightly lit place into a long, dark tunnel?

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 God tells us: " When someone becomes a christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun! "

I was a new creation. Although I seemed to be entering a dark tunnel, in reality I was entering into my new state as a child of God. The bright light was the familiarity of sin and a lifestyle I had embraced. The darkness ahead was unknown territory.

So many questions and fears plagued me at first. Can I live without sex? How will I cope with loneliness? Can I have female friends and not fall into sin? How can I relate to 'real' women?
Does this rejecting of lesbianism mean that I have to marry? Can I trust God to meet all of my needs?

I wanted to be obedient. But how was I to deal with my emotions and all those nagging questions in the forefront of my mind?

book: Out of Egypt by Jeanette Howard.