it's too much for me to bear... But tis' wat I wld do...

it is really too much for me to bear... I recount... crying even as I type tis... esp. over the past few mths...

it's not just abt emotions... which I stopped blogging as it's way-overboard just 2 dwell on it... it's abt character development. I am struggling in the area of character development. And it shows. I had been smiling less / laughing less spontaneously recently.

I realise, tat I hv been experiencing "internal turmoil"... a "double-edged sword" in my life created by my upbringing (wish tat i din hv this within; nor only hv this realisation at tis time of my life... when I am tis age le) ... Finally put a finger on it ! I am not blaming anybody. Lotsa turmoil in my home resulted in less communication and support < =p i already v.blessed. i believe everybody has a story > - e.g. handling situations correctly is not really learnt... tink I was lost throughout -also playing a lot to avoid thinking-becoz i duno wat to do when i "stop" . God's going deeper wif me in the YR of SABBATH... re-making me...
Painful as it may be - e.g. Learning to handle life crisis/ issues tat require thinking & stability... My bro shared ...parents gave us too much "an environment of fear" e.g. "what ifs". They prefer comfort zones.. yet require us to be super-good... Do more, never enuf..., yet not too much adventure pls... aND YES, I am probably scolded & taught not to be vulnerable even tho' I am a girl. ... so much over-emphasised & when they had time now to "take care" of me. Tat's why I have been trying to change all these yrs. Actually it's just about balancing... and for the software-within me. Boundaries for healthy relating; doing sthg Not to please others Nor to prove anythg.

Anyways, I duno wat to do now. Things are not going well in my life as I am learning too many realities of life which I need to grapple wif and grow up. Just heard also fr. my parents tat my other grandpa is not feeling well as well.

God - save my family ! And save me... I duno how to deal wif sudden increases in stress... thot there's suff. in work and dealing wif my emotional growth le... If I really duno wat 2 do / how 2 pray... I wana stop the past.

STOP SELF PITY. ENUFF.
MOVE ON WITHOUT REGRETS
WIN OVER MYSELF w POSITIVE LIVING
TRUST GOD FOR BEAUTIFUL FUTURE -GIVE THANKS
PAIN DOES NOT MATTER, CREATING + DISCOVERING + ENJOYING