a story i must tell......... 05 Oct 2006

THis is a Story I must tell...
something deep within me tat happened on the nite of 05 October 2006 (thurs, during dance) --- this is the 5th day after I had tendered my resignation fr. my present company.

Basically during the dance practice, i broke down and cried. I cried becoz I felt I had betrayed God. This 'betrayal' is due to something I had promised God......I noe I had betrayed Him for just $300-400 a mth. Cannot explain in details, but v.personally, the unfaithful me did it for a 2nd time... for salary matters in job.

Maybe God has had already known I would 'betray' Him...yes, He who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow knows. It just broke me (my pride...) so much that I felt not guilt this time, but a brokeness and deep sense of need for repentance and His forgiveness. Maybe it is the point of deeply realising how bad I was, am and how much I know His grace and mercies hv last.

Yes, the presence of Him during the dance practice only grants me the 'space' to ask Him of forgiveness, for restoration.
Thk You Lord, for Your mercies. And, He did send His people, a sister fr. Dance, Christina (tho' we briefly noe each other recently), to come to me, to pray and affirm His love and forgiveness for me. I now know, for real, His love is unconditional.

Through yrs 2002 till 2006, the things I hv done absolutely showed all the bad inclinations/ thots i have, towrds pple and God Himself. Why, why, why and how to get out of it... ......

And as I recounted, I realised I had been trying to 'hide" and trying v. hard to change too.

The depth of His love did not reach me nor change me coz I still feel 'right', I am right, I am righteous...
Or rather, God, I don't think You really love me.

So, in relating to my family and frens, colleagues, etc., I am not quite sure, how to and wat to do to love them more. That is so much stagnation and conflicting thots and feelings within me.

The other deep thing is realising that there is no two masters. Really, either love the money, or love God. Esp. for christians....... truly difficult to be in the middle ground.
There is no middle ground. Thus, many christians who are in middle grd suffers. Even more than non-christians. It is like CONSTIPATION......... a form of illness but doesn't feel fatal enuff.

I am so free, so happy now.
THe freedom I hv in Christ is becoz He has loved me first and set me free.
There is no condemnation in Him. Though, it is true that He who is holy desires us to be holy. Holiness comes fr. Him, not by our might.
The feeling of guilt is a 'alarm' - just like conscience, becoz we were made in His image, to want good.