When I ask God -do You know ?

God,
do you know that I am just unhappy
and tired and sick and anger pent-up in me

When others want something
they try their means and demand from me
not enough, not enough

When I just say something which exposes
the superficial level of 'unity' and peace
they say i wreak the 'unity' and peace

Do they ever think they have any right to say that,
when they didnt stop to care for me
I gave up all my rights to love them

I tried so hard and waited so long
none of them came to me and sincerely by actions
When they said "I love you and thus will support you"

If really what they want from me
is just SMILE smile, listen listen
UNDERSTANDING,

Why don't they give that too
Yes, it is more blessed to give than to receive
coz they expect beyond that - unlimited

If only pple in authority can say words of discipline/rebuke
they shd already shown the credibility
or build towards that

I am not God
indeed I am not

God can see the hearts of men
He can see mine too

Why is it when I am wrong,
I can say sorry and admit and change
but when others are wrong,
they say I am wrong
and I shd be the one who change?

I find it unacceptable and ridiculous

Actually I am a hermit crab who came out of my shell
to live with community
despite all fears and un-naturality
I gave it a shot

Yes, to be honest,
I tried only for a while,
to be fair to them.

But, I admitted my wrong
and tried again

Is it because
when i tried again,
I gave too little time ?

Really so, God ?
I failed to see more better

God, it has been raining for ages
I feel refreshed.

It is as if You were crying together with me
But, is it crying coz You are sad that I am like this
or, You are crying
coz You know how sad I am ?

Anyway,
I am determined not to dwell in the past
nor to be rooted in bitterness.

God, clear my thoughts,
that the thoughts not from You
will not take root in me.

It is beyond me
totally blowing my mind.

Thoughts are confusing
and angry
and sad
and very depressing.

I was wallowing in them
and trying NOT to forget
doesn't help.


God, You know
if I have wrong,
You have disciplined me
now be my spokesperson
and defend me
grant me vindication
swiftly please.