just me

hi...hope this gets through!

duno how to put this down in words...but am v happy now, it's like a sense of peace in my heart.
been feeling like dying these few weeks or months. I think I have really lost the purpose to live/meaning in what I do.
I'm sure this feeling is not alien to many as even my driver fren shared that wif me.

it's a hard life for me the past few years, esp. in the years when my ambition was on ministry, as a christian. I got very obsessed.

I felt depressed when I work v hard but do not get what I want. I am lost.
I would feel sad at times but I dont noe how to get out of it. Most prob. I didnt noe that I was lost.

It's really destructive to be ambitious. For the wrong reasons. How I began to realise that I am ambitious for the wrong reasons is when I realise I lost the love for people--genuinely. The v first reason why I believe in Jesus was, His love. His unconditional love for me. His love enabled me to be free from fear. His love which was a kind love.

I really do not noe how to put it across to people now. My prayer last nite was that I want to be able to be normal.

I realised that I stopped laughing...I lost my sharpness in making decisions.
Thank God that He brought me out of my wrong perceptions, through people (be they christians and non-christians), through my pastor, through my family, esp. my brother.

God started to be real to my fren too, via speaking to her...hehe, she tested God by asking Him if she could pass a singing audition, and then subsequently if she could have the ability to join both (i) a youth expedition trip and (ii) a singing course. She is not rich with financial resources.

I was also deep in entanglement wif my emotions...I duno how to react normally to guys and didnt noe what to do wif the huge amount of emotions that I have.
I once thought that escaping my emotions was sufficient, but I never thot the backlash would come..... hehe, it came in form of death. GOD actually just wants me to tell Him honestly how I feel.
What I do (actions) may affect, but at least I tell Him and He directs me as my heart is open...=0)